Anywhere but Here

Life feels a little upside down right now.  There is a lot going on, both good and bad, and I'm having trouble feeling present.

I want to be with the good, the chance, the leap of faith I'm planning on taking.

I want to be with the bad, the fading, the family gathered together.

Instead I'm here, home, with my father and dogs, preparing to go to work in the morning.

My grandmother is dying of Alzheimer's.  The family has mostly gathered together.  And it's hard not to be there.  Even though it's also hard to be there.

As I said yesterday to my mom and aunt, watching my grandmother die is really difficult, but her death itself will be a relief.  This is a woman I haven't had a real conversation with in about two years.  A woman who read voraciously, loved to teach, and dreamed of the ocean.

And the leap of faith, I'll explain that later.

For now, I'm going to bed so I can wake up early and go to work.